everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
