Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
