I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
