Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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