i think my tv is drunk
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
