Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
