I met the friendliest cop last night
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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