i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
