Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
