who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
