2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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