my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
how do you play pong handcuffed?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
