so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
