OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
