Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
