We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
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