Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
