i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
