you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
