I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
