Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?