life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
