oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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