So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
