After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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