Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
