The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
