my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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