Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
