i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
