Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
last night I used snow as a chaser
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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