The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
