I didn't shave. On purpose
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
