do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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