fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Let's get the cat blown out
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
