I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
love makes seman taste better
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
