All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Randomize
