Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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