i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
