Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He better not be in your backpack
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Drake has all the answers
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
