You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
