im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Houston, we have a squirter
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
