I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
