She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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