I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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