I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
