My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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