dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
