Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
