"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
