You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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