I am puke
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
