I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
