they need to just BURY HIM!
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
