what day is it and did you see me today?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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