I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I still have a little drunk in my system
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
