so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
