two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
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I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
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Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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