when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
