Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
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that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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