hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
