Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
